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Image provided by: New York State Military History Museum
GAS ATTACK 7 THE IDEAS OF ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE XV. On the Troubles He Has in Making lim Mug- rums His Orderly There is no doubt about it, Jim Mugrums is som ewhat crude. This uncouth little sol d ier who sleeps in the next cot to me—me, the scion of one of our great fam ilies— seems not to profit from such intim a te asso ciation w ith me, except in the use of my •comb and brush and cigarettes. At length I decided upon a desperate step. “M ugrum s,” I announced, “1 have an idea.” “I thought som e thin’ awful was goin’ to happen the m inute you looked at me like th a t .” “I have decided to make you my orderly.” “Oh,” piped Mugrums, dancing up and clown as if in ecstacies, “th a t’s b e tter’n a commission. You did the right thing, Ethel- hurt. Go to the head o’ the class, three •girls up.” It is sometimes difficult to restrain Mug ru m s ’ boisterous levity. “This is a proposal,” I told him, “which you are to 'e n tertain seriously. As my order ly you will be in a position to learn a great deal from me. You will execute all my er rands, tidy up my bunk, carry my tins to the mess shack, and do my washing for me. I will pay you three dollars a week. W h at do you say?” Mugrums Accepts the Office. Mugrums w h istled, impressed. “Three dollars gets me,” he finally agreed. ‘“It’s a long tim e between pay days.” An so Mugrums became my orderly. He began his duties by accom panying me to town th a t afternoon while I made a num ber of purchases. I gave him the bundles to carry and told him to walk half a pace be hind, as befitted the orderly of a Jellyback. B u t Mugrums was too chatty and fam iliar. He insisted upon w alking directly at my side, talking heartily, in the m a n n er of a bosom companion. “Mugrums, you m u st m a intain an interval of eleven inches behind me. I will do all the saluting th a t is to be done.” He was not alert in obeying these m a n dates. And when we returned to camp and *went to the mess shack for supper, he so far forgot him self as to elbow his way ahead of me in an anim al-like eagerness for his food. “Mugrums, you are the most disorderly orderly I ever saw.” “No, I’m first in war, first in peace, and first in the start of the mess line.” E thelburt Remonstrates W ith Him. In vain did I rem o n strate w ith him, until I threatened to w ithhold his first week’s salary. T h a t had an instantaneous effect upon him. He Had Forgotten to Bring Me My Breakfast, “Oh, E thelburt,” he said, stepping out of the mess line to give me his place, “I only m eant to get your supper for you. I forgot I had my own mess kit. But I’ve fixed it with the K. P.’s to slip you all the slum- gullion you can tuck under your belt and not break it. I know how hard you fall for stew.” “Quite right, Mugrums, except th a t you have put too high an estim a te on my fond ness for arm y stew. I have no overwhelm ing passion for it.” “You’d better eat it, though, or they’ll put raisins in it tom orrow and call it puddin’.” There was considerable sense to this bit of homely philosophy, and I congratulated myself th a t m a k ing M ugrums my orderly had evidently im proved his faculties of rea soning. R e turning to my tent after mess, I de voted not a little tim e to lying back on cot contem p lating th a t at last I, E thelburt Jelly back, a social leader at home, was enjoying some of the custom ary homage to which I was accustomed at home. I had an orderly. True, my orderly w asn’t as m eticulous and efficient as Jenkins, my man at home. Jen kins, queer old fellow, used to bring my coffee and rolls to my bed every m o rning and start the w a te r for my tub. M ugrums’ M a te rial Duties. I decided to renew this pleasant practice. The next m o rning I sent Mugrums out to reveille to answ er my name at roll call. He answered “Yooo” so loudly when my name was called that the top-sergeant knew at once it w a sn’t my own well-modulated voice. The sergeant made an investigation, it seems. But I lay resting on my cot, satisfied to take up no new problems until they should become acute. Next I sent M ugrums up to the mess shack to bring my breakfast to me. Mean while I snuggled deep in the warm blankets, and let my mind drift w ith poetical thoughts. It so happened th a t I began to compose a poem. It was called a Poem to a Prune, in which I addressed the prune personally-—O w rinkled relic of a once bright plum, th a t danced so gay upon a nodding tree; O prune, how age has overtaken thee, and seamed thy face and shriveled thy fair form; yet has made more rich the sweet syrup of thy soul; O prune—B reaking off from these thoughts, I discovered th a t men were re turning from mess. M ugrums came in, w h istling. He had forgotten to bring me my breakfast, and mess was over. E thelburt Swears. “R e v e ille!” I m u ttered, giving way to blasphemy. I was in a fury. I denounced M ugrums, soundly. “Slumgullion, Mugrums, I fear you will never do.” I was so agitated th a t I flung m yself out of the cot and paced up and down the floor of the tent in my pajam as. “You will never do. An orderly’s first thought should be to obey the orders he receives. Oh, w h a t a failure are you! W h at a disappointm ent. And I had so counted on you. I had hoped to be the m aking of you.” “T h a t’s w h a t I w a n t,” he replied, “the m akings. I have the papers.” I turned away, coldly. I said no more to him th a t morning. In fact, I had no chance. The top-sergeant put me to work chopping wood for the incinerator. Then, at ten o’clock, the top-sergeant sent me out to join the company a t a singing drill. This was a drill at which we m arched colum n-righting and lefting and so on, while a non-com batant instructor m arched alongside and led us in singing popular songs. The purpose of the songs, I suppose, is to keep up the spirits of the men on the march. The song dealt w ith the topic of urging one to pack up one’s troubles in one’s lug- (Continued on page 34)
