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Image provided by: New York State Military History Museum
THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER 7 THE IDEAS OF.ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE He was using my m ilitary hair-brushes for kindling. X. On How He Failed to Edu cate That Crude Fe ow, Jim Mugrums I came into my tent the other evening and discovered Jim Mugrums building a fire in the stove. Jim Mugrums, th a t crude fellow who never appreciates my efforts to uplift him socially, is now my corporal. Can you im agine it? I, E thelburt Jellyback, Private, of the well-known Jellyback family, com pelled to obey strictly and execute prom p tly all lawful orders of a smudgy-faced little soldier like M ugrums whose mind and m o r als I have tried in vain to im prove! As I say, I found Jim M ugrums building a fire in the stove. He was using my m ilitary hair-brushes for kindling. Im m e d iately my anger leapt up. I de nounced Mugrums. “Don’t you realize th a t those articles are indespensable to keeping my hair sm ooth? Otherw ise my head m ight pre sent a dishevelled appearance.” “You said it!” exclaimed M ugrums, who still w ent on building the fire. “I said it? Of course it was I who gave utterance to th a t protest. W ho else could it have been?” “W h a t you need on your head ain’t h a ir brushes,” said M ugrums, whose gram m a r in variably annoys me. “No, w h a t you need to keep your head polished is a little bone am i.” M u g r u m ’s French Lessons. M ugrums laughed. H e didn’t realize, evi dently, th a t he had m ispronounced the French phrase. Of course, he should have said “bon am i.” But then, he’s som ew h a t crude, you know. I have tried my best to educate M ugrums. I attem p ted to teach him to speak French. But he made little progress. The first day he learned to say “oui.” The second les son, he learned to say “oui, oui.” And I suppose, had I persevered w ith the fellow, after the third lesson he would have m a s tered “oui, oui, oui.” Lying down on my cot for some much- needed rest, my leisure was broken into by Mugrums singing as he tended the fire. His singing alw ays grates on my nerves, both words and music. His voice has a shivery quality. It shook like the gelatin we som e tim es get for dessert, when we don’t get it in our laps. “I know a girl nam ed Lulu, She was a fairy queen—” N eedless to say, I was forced to in ter ru p t him. I told him, in my frank m anner, th a t I was unaccustom e d to such outbursts, th a t in the fashionable circles of society in which I moved at home, such lyrics w ere unheard of. They never fell from the lips of the debutantes. Mugrums Makes a Kick. Mugrums, to my surprise, turned on me in revolt. “Now look here, E thelburt, you quit rid ing m e like that. E v e ry tim e I say any thing, you give me a wicked look. Every tim e I take off my shoes at night, you shy at my socks. Every tim e I take a .chew of tobacco, you gotta jum p on me. It’s g e ttin ’ so’s the only place I can spit in my own ten t is on the stove, and then it m akes a hissin’ noise for five m inutes and you look around to see who the roughneck is.” M ugrums grew more and more rebellious. “You gotta quit pickin’ on ine, E thelburt. I ain’t strong enough to stand it. I don’t w a n t to be educated up to your F if th Avenue parlor tricks. I’m only a soldier. I can get aw ay w ith this here bunk fatigue in the arm y, but I w a sn’t cut out for no lounge lizard. So quit pestering me or the first thing you know I’ll bounce som ething off’n your bean th a t’s more m ilitary than h a ir brushes, and you’ll have a bump on the side of your noodle so big you’ll have to go to the supply sergeant and get a h a t th a t’ll fit.” The Strange Supply Sergeant. “The supply sergeant and I are not friends,” I retorted. “He doesn’t under stand me. On every occasion w h en it has been necessary for me to go to him for a garm e n t, he has alw ays said: ‘W h a t size do you w ear, thirty-tw o ? W ell, h e re’s a forty. Ju s t your size!’ ” The rem a inder of the evening passed in com p arative tranquility. I awoke next m o rning considerably refreshed, and w e n t (Continued on page 27) WANTED — A COVEY OF LION TAMERS! Or Some Astronomers! We Can Supply Them Anyhow. The 27th Division has plenty of talent, and a variety of it. Not so long ago a large num b e r of m en who could speak French was w anted. The 27th Division was called on to ■ furnish a sizeable quota. W ithin a short tim e it had packed up and sent off to another camp a first-rate asso r t m e n t of capable Parleyvooers. Then came a call for 500 expert m e chanics. The qualification cards were given a quick thum b ing and in a short tim e old m an Tw enty-Seventh Division pro duced a collection of skilled m echanics. A lot of them hated to p a r t w ith th e ir old bunkies, of course, and the officers didn’t like to lose them , for they w ere good men. But they were needed m o re som ewhere else, so they w e n t like good soldiers. No doubt if a hurried call was sen t for a passel of astronom e rs, a covey of lion- tam e rs, four and tw e n ty buck-and-wing dancers, a score of deep-sea divers or a few hypnotists, the qualification /cards would be given a few flips and in a day the neces sary m en would be supplied. The 27th Division is right there w ith the goods-— w h a tever those goods need be. T h a t’s us, all over. Everybody says The Gas A ttack is the best camp m a g azine published. You can keep it in fron t by supporting it—-and by patronizing its advertisers.
