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Don't Read This It's the ego talking Uy Maryam Tasnif' /11 I' /: fll I' rt IIi nit' f/f /:\c J It m Goodness! I've been writing this ~.·olumn for so long 11 seems like it's been forever. I think that all eight of my loyal readers should really get thi~ whad. off-the-wall piece of literature into syndication.( can see it now- Art Buchwald, Andy Rooney and Mary am Tasnif. People all over the counrty will become addicted to Don't Read This. Pretty ~oon the \fever\ will spread to all other continents. The column will be translated into many, many lan- guages. I'll be on Sally Jesse Ra- phael, then Oprah, then Donahue ... soon I'll move to Arsenio and even- tually maybe even Carson. I'll write a book. Yeah! That's. what I'll do. It'll be called \Maryam 's Guide to EternaiJoy\ and it 'II have simple so- lutions to life's complex problems. It 'II become a hest-seller.l'll make It lts and lots of money and pay off my credit card bills and my phone bills and all other bills. And then when I am finally honored by winning the Pulitzer Prize, you can all recall these days and say to yourself\} knew her. way back when ... \ And no one will believe you. Everytime you mention that you knew me, you 'II have people look at you andsay\Yes Aha, Sure, I believe you\ etc. HA! I love it. Do you think I am getting a tad bit car- ried away? NAH! !! So for all graduates and you fellas going home for the summer, have you gotten out the address book? You know how you all promise to wrilt! to each other and never really do. I hate that. And I hate the silly excuses I get. People should just admit that they are just too dam lazy. One of the flimsiest excuses that people give me is that \Ah jeez! I didn't have your address Maryam, sorry!\ Well dears, I have a cure for that, here is my address. There are five thousand copies of this paper being distributed all over. Don't tell me youdidn 'thavemy address. Here it is, 9151 Regal Avenue, Anaheim, CA 92807. Yes it is true. I am going to Cali- fornia. For some reason, people expect me to go \home.\They have this image of me flying back off to Pakistan as soon as I graduate. Maybe it's the way I dress. Maybe it's the way I look.ldon'tknow. But I hate shattering people's image of me. Like just this morning I went to the bank [not that I have any money Dear Mama, What causes bladder infections? Aching Bladder or cJII_Wh lllM ht :arrc like that. I just likt• to hh•s.1 peop/(• with my pres- em·e] and the ~weetest lady who works there asked me when I was leaving. I told her when. She asked if I wa~ going home. I told her yes. She asked me to send her a postcard from India. Not wanting to shatter her image, I smiled and said yes. If I ever go to India. which I seriously doubt, I will send her a postcard. I mean my going \home\ to Califor- nia seems to frazzle people. Oh well. what can one do'? Rhetorical ques- tion. Right now I am beginning to have morbid thoughts of leaving and having people forget I ever existed. That is a very ego-bursting thought. But I guess I must face reality. The world does not revolve around me. Oh woe! But while you 'II all be in Cort- land (those of you coming back, that is) I 'II be doing the Snoopy Dance of Joy as I prance around blowing bubbles in the California sun. HA! SUFFER! Don't you wish you were me'! Ohdwr.' lamonsuchanegotrip today. l need diet shampoo to bring my head hack down to size. My ego really is a problem. I have no idea where I got it from. It is such a p~rt of me. I am not over-bearing (kind ofep,otistical). I just think that I am God's gift to this world. No, no, no, no! Just kidding. Even my ego isn't that bad. I just enjoy all of you cringing and scrunching up your faces with sheer disgust as you read my comments. The things I do to get a reaction! I've had quite a few people tell me that they are amused by my little articles here in the Press. Thank you for further inflating my ego. Actu- ally, seriously, it is cause for further inspiration when I discover that I do have an audience that read the Don't Read Thises out of their own free wi 11. It kind of gets the creative juices flowing. M aryam now casually throws in a subliminal, subtle hint.Could I please have fan mail? It would thrill me to no end. Maryam 's subae hint has subliminally penetrated the reader's mind. Do proceed. Anyway, I love life, I am nine- teen-years-old, I have my whole life ahead of me and I know who I am spending it with. I am young, madly and totally in love ... All I need now is to get my column syndicated! usually less serious. However, the ache, pain, and burning of a bladder infection can feel serious indeed!] Bladder infections are the almost Dear A.B., exclusive privilege of women. Why A urinary bladder infection, or do we 1 uck out? Because of our cystitis, occurs when bacteria find wonderful anatomy! In women, the their way into and up the urethra (the urethral (urinary) opening lies right \tube\ that drains the bladder to the in front of the vaginal opening, external urinary opening) and into which lies in front of the anus. This the bladder. Once they're in theat may be an efficient use of space, but warm, moist, dark place, they multi- otherwise can be a real pain in the ply and can eventually invade the urogenital region. The problem lies cells of the bladder lining, causing with the anus being so close to irritation of the little capillaries and everything else. Bacteria from the bleeding into the urine. The body bowel can easily migrate forward tries to fight the intruders by sending with sweating, or can be spread white blood cells to the area. If left forward with seating, or can be untreated, or if the body is in a spread forward by wiping form weakened state from any of various \back to front.\ Sexual intercourse stressors, the infection can ascend thencanpushthesesbacteriaintothe fro,mthebladder,uptheureters,and · urethra., and from theres it's just a into one or both kidneys. Then the matterofacoupleofacentimeters to condition is called \pyelonephritis\ the bladder, where those bacteria - -a big term for \pus-laden infhun- multiply and have a party! -Bacteria mationofthe kic;lneys.\Pyeloneph- can also be transported into the ritis is a serious condition and can ·urethra from the mouth via oral sex.. becom-e fatal. Bladder infections are· (So you thought the trazards of sex • Make-Up Credits. • Get Credits Ahead For FaD. • Choose From Hundreds Of Quality Courses. • Morning. Afternoon &: Evening Classes. • Start As Early As 6AM & As Late As 8:30PM. This summer, students from all the leading schools are coming home to Nassau. Shouldn't you? Earn the coHege credits you need in just 5 weeks at S49 per credit. Two sessions are available. Attend one or both and still have time for work and play. Session 1: May 21 st-]une 21st _ _$e§#on 0: June 25tb-July 26tb NCC is fully accredited and provides a high calibre summer program. All credits are easily transferable. Get a copy of our summer brochure and register by pbone. Qtll the Office of the Registrar at (516) 222-7355. The Chinese experience at Cortland By Claire Chiasson Staff Writer The culture of China and Cort- land State's exchange program with China was the focus oflast week's CSTV production •'Cortland Views.\ The show had two parts, the first in which Susan Han (Chinese teacher at Cortland State) was inter- viewed by host Scott Rutten about the differences between Chinese and American culture. They first dis- cussed education systems. Han noted that American stu- dents are more active, and that they have more decisions to make regard- ing their academic and personal lives. She also said that as a result of this, American parents and teachers do not receive the respect and appre- ciation their Chinese counterparts have become accustomed to. In China, she explained. parents and teachers have ultimate authority over students. In fact, there is a national holiday in Taiwan solely to recog- nize teachers (Cortland faculty, eat your hearts out!) Han also outlined a major differ- ence between the university systems in the United States and China. In China, students must take an en- trance exam in order to be admitted to the university - - much like our SAT. However, if a student does not pass, he may not attend any univer- sity; rather. he must find another job. It is not a test you can retake. For this reason, most Chinese students take a year between public school and university to study for the entrance ex. am. They go to .. cram school,\ where a student studies more than ten hours per day for a year! This process is known as \stuffing the duck\ be- cause the student \stuffs\ as much information into his brain as pos- sible. I found the program to be very interesting and informative, and Han to be extremely animated. went no further than gonorrhea. lamydia, and needs medical testing always ·syphilis, AIDS, warts, herpes, ch- andtreatment(andcondomuseuntil 3) urinate-- even if only a few lamydia, molluscum and crab lice? cured) to keep from spreading it. drops - - after sex, to flush the ure- You're wrong! Thetreatmentforsimplecystitis thra clean How do you know y()u have a is an antibiotic. At the Health Serv- 4) don't wait --if you can help bladder infection? Oh, yoll'll know ice, we usually start you on a sulfa it - - when you feel the urge to go. --ask anyone who's had one. You drugcalledBactrimorSeptra(unless ·Stagnantpondsbreedorganisms,re- might feel like you have to urinate youareallergictoSufadrugs). Then gardless of their location. frequently, but only a little urine wesendyoururinetopthelaboratory 5)ifyoufeellikeyou'restarting comes out. Or it hurts when you for analysis. When the results come to get a UTI, drink lots of water, and urinate. Or you have a dull ache, or back, we might tell you you need to preferable, drink a non-sugary cran- sharp pain over your bladder. But change antibiotics, or take Bactrim berry juice. Studies have shown that don't be too sure-- notal! that hurts longer. one of the acids in cranberry juice down there is a UTI. For instance, Even better than all this pain and prevent bacteria form invading the open herpes sores, and even the raw suffering is prevention. In France, bladder tissues. But sugar (corn irritation of a yeast infection, can nearly every bathroom has a bidet. sweetener, too) seem to make the sting and bum when urine is passed. This strange and wonderful invert- ~rine ph hospitable to bacteria. Vi- guys seldom get bladder infec- tion, which looks like a cross be-· tamin C tablets, 250-500 mg a day, tions. Due to their anatomy. the tween a toilet bow,l and a fountain, possibly lower the ph to a ph in bacteria form the bowel would need promotes good perineal hygiene. hospitable to bacteria. a map, compass, and staunch Afterabowelmovementoraftersex, 6) good ••aeration\ ofthe penn- constitution to find their wa.y over the a woman can straddle this con trap- eal area keep bacteria from multiply- river, through the woods, and way up tion, tum Qn the fountain, and wash in g. (watch out for spandex!) the tunnel of the very long, male those migt:anf gerins away. Here on Good luck. urethra to the bladder. If a guy does the American frontier, we are left get a UTI, he needs to see a special- with less exotic props: water, mild ist, because there's something more sqap ,(if any sQap at all), a tub, a Love, Mama seriously wrong with th·e urinary shower, or a b~sin. here ate· some , tract. However,guys do ge:t\urethri~ useful tips from Mama for prevent- ••Mama Doc\ is the pen name for tis,'' which can cause pai11ful or un- . in~ U1:1s, gir~s~ . . . . . . , two pr9fessionals from the Student comfortable urination and possible 1) Wa8hyourperineum (anogeni- HealthrS~rvice. Lucy Vaughters ik a penile discharge. Urethritis is 9ften tal regJo~)'.be(ore ant:l,.~fter ~ex . . ~~ysi~i!1P. Assistant. or P A. Paula caused by an STD such~as.C.h.· ~ ·. z~;wipe·form:f:rantto.back:-: -JGitoux is the head nurse. ·· 'II
